charlie fucking sheen...

god i love the onion sometimes.... excerpt from this

I'm the biggest cash crop in three countries. Who can say that about crystal meth? Bakersfield, California? I am an international powerhouse: For every ounce of me you've snorted, at least two people have died. I'm talking deadly airlifts out of the jungle, thrilling speedboat shootouts, spectacular daylight assassinations of politicians, executions of informants, electrodes on villagers' genitals—name it, it's there. And I'm not even counting the me-fueled spree killings.

Know what? Fuck you. I'm no sloppy seconds. You know who's doing me right now, as we speak? Charlie fucking Sheen. I don't need you. I'm a star. So suck it, you little corn-fed scarecrow. Go back to slopping pigs and huffing nail-polish remover, you raggedy-ass hick.